Beard Lice Outbreak in Williamsburg

Williamsburg, NY – Five cases of Pediculosis Beardus “beard lice” have been confirmed in Brooklyn this week. Similar to head lice, beard lice symptoms include itching and irritation. Jasper Roark, 23, a resident of Williamsburg, was among those diagnosed with the infestation.

“Roark’s case was the worst I saw,” said Dr. Drew Weinstein of the Williamsburg walk in medical center.  Roark told doctors he was reluctant to seek treatment because he didn’t want his friends to know he had insurance.

“Under the right conditions, the beard is an ideal breeding ground for lice,” explained Dr. Weinstein. “Ironic mustaches are also at risk. Lice have a tendency to prefer the aroma of Parliament cigarettes and Pabst Blue Ribbon residue.” This raises the risk of infection within the hipster community where cheap cigarettes and beer are prominent.

“I coped a gnarly hoodie at the thrift store last week,” said Roark, who claims the signs of beard lice appeared a few days after. Dr. Weinstein believes the hoodie to be the source of the lice.

“Lice often lay their eggs in the fibers of clothing,” affirmed Dr. Weinstein. “The only way to prevent the acquisition and spread of beard lice is to stop shopping at thrift stores. I recommend shopping at Urban Outfitters or American Apparel instead.”

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One response to “Beard Lice Outbreak in Williamsburg

  1. good thing hipsters don’t go downtown, or we would be looking at a serious pube-beard epidemic.

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